please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
