an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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