For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
