I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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