The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
