6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
