ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
