It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the condom got lost in my hair
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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