True but thats because hes a fetus.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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