okay pat passed out under dana's car
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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