I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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