i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
