Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
In America we eat man semen.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize