I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
