apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she looked like the before picture.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
