I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize