You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
