she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
