My nipple is on Facebook.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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