One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
