yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
please come you make the beer taste better
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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