I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
