if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
