I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
two words: eviction party
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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