I only kidnapped one of them. chill
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
