just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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