I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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