it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
