There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
