Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
