I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
