My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
