living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
