Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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