It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Randomize
