I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
