They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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