I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
