I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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