so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize