Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
