now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Are my feet made of real feet?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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