you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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