This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I deserve this hangover.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
