Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
