He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he told me I talked like a deaf person
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's never too late to be topless.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
