This girl is more easily done than said...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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