pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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