So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
