so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
