why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
