my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize