I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
