When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize