it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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