Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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