There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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