I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
