She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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