When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
