she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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